Woken up by an uncomfortable sensation, I stare out into the darkness that made up my room. The air felt wrong and I didn’t feel alone. Hesitantly, I look down at my feet. Eyes peer above the ladder leading to the top bunk where I lie; dark, dangerous, and familiar eyes that seem to still the whole of my body. I can’t move and I can only pretend to be asleep. Had I imagined those eyes. Has my mind gone insane? I wait and listen as I hear the creak of my door opening slowly and closing again. Suddenly, I can hear my heart pounding. What had just happened? Why was he in my room and why was he just staring at me? Tears stream down my face as fear washes through my veins.
Is anyone home?
I’m knocking on the door.
Don’t need you, not anymore.
Didn’t ask me not to go.
Didn’t ask me to stay.
You respect me as a person
but you stand in my way.
I want open doors,
truth be told.
Am I crazy for wanting more?
She only sees reason to blame
herself for all of the pain.
She knows if she leaves
it will still remain.
She shades her eyes from the light
hoping it is all just a lie;
She will wake up and everything
will be alright.
It already hurts too much.
What if she just messes up
just like the other times:
she gives up.
She has been searching for many years.
Everyday hoping she is near.
She needs strength and instead
I feel sadness due to the lack of self-awareness and preservation. So many of us have given up hope of discovering who we truly are because all they know is what they have witnessed. I have learned to look deeper than what my eyes see. The asking of questions is the start of new knowledge and new questions. I have seen many people claim their self-awareness based on the actions they made due to a small range of predetermined outcomes. Most people would say that they can only make a decision using the knowledge they possess. I say that we must make decisions based on the knowledge we posses and the knowledge that we do not. They world has on many occasions proved that there is always more than what meets the eye, so how can we not prepare for the unknown; how can we not bring into consideration what possibilities lie within the unknown? Obviously these possibilities are infinite, because wouldn’t that mean that everything is possible? If we make decisions based on only what knowledge we are certain exists, then we are leaving out so much more to consider and in most situations that would deem are actions ignorant and incomplete. Though these actions may seem as truth when made, they are based on the belief that the decision was made with complete consideration and is therefore a lie by mistake. It is a lie that no one seems aware of and a lie that others will move forward with then creating only more lies. How do we predict what is unknown? You ask questions. You look for deeper meanings even when it seems that you are at the bottom. With more answered questions, you will possess more knowledge. And as the unknown is infinite then questions are infinite and knowledge is infinite and we can only grow. There is no stopping point. With more knowledge, our actions can become more honest and we can become more real. Never accept only what is given to you, accept what else you can find but remember that you can only find what is searched for. The great thing about searching for something that is not specific is that you will open your eyes to see so much more.
What’s worse than people judging others on only what they see or only what is presented to them is when an individual only judges themselves that way. On a daily basis I am aware of those around me that choose not to look deeper than what is obvious. They create their own reality and share it. It’s easier to accept what is known than what is unknown. By accepting the unknown, we are accepting to figure out what the unknown is and that requires strength and promise, which a lot of people think is a waste of time. When in actuality, it is the only wise use of time. We cannot assume to understand the world before we understand ourselves. Everything we know starts from within. We must start from within. We have to ask the questions as to why we do what we do, from the littlest action to the biggest. We cannot just accept that we are mean, loving, controlling. We cannot accept titles because titles are just the boundary set up between true meaning and the false. A person can call you mean because you called someone a fat pig and by definition they would be right but by a deeper meaning they would be wrong. If that person had asked why you would be mean, they could come to find that you use to be called fat pig and when you became beautiful on the outside you also became egotistical only because you felt that not only did you have to look the part but you had to play the part. By asking that question and searching for the answer they could find that you were not mean but instead scared of being called a fat big and scared of not being liked. There is always a deeper meaning. So before you start searching for what this world is or what your purpose is, first you must learn to understand your actions and your feelings and you can only do this by asking deeper questions and not just accept what seems obvious.
I believe that if everyone knew who they truly were than the world would be a better place.
What do you feel when you hear the word mistake? What pictures form in your head? The norm seems to have a negative reaction. It is easy to believe the mistakes are bad and I really disagree. Mistakes are inevitable. In order to get to a point where you never make mistakes, you would have to understand everything, know everything, be the wealthiest person of knowledge. And unless that happens to be you, I know there is only way one to get to a point of abosulte wisdom. Mistakes are the roots of new knowledge. By my understanding, new knowledge is always welcome and a positive outcome. So then how can mistakes be bad?
There is a hate inside me for humanity and a love for its incredibility. The hate stems from the easy neglect of relatability. We have created a society where individuals strive to gain power by the destruction of others. It seems so easy for people to forget that we all are equally important and that one life’s happiness will never compare to everyone’s happiness. Can you imagine a world where everyone worked together? A place where each person could sit down with anyone and have an enlightened conversation and feel understood and accepted. When people come together, great ideas and knowledge combine to create an even greater revelation. Imagine if every human shared their deepest thoughts, what consensus would we find?
When I look in the mirror I am tempted to see a young woman that has not stuck by her morals because of fear or to see a person that I expect I should become. I am not defined by my past and I am not defined by my expectations of the future. It takes a lot of thought to be able to stand in the present and grasp that the present is the only time that exists.
When I can see the sadness in your eyes disappear and bring forth a look of acceptance that life will never get better, it breaks my heart. I have been in a world of silence; a world that makes no sound that matters. But that world was a lie. You fight back and forth, trying, not to discover the truth, but instead to believe it. The answers lie infront of you and what lies behind is a sequence of reasons to doubt them. I found my way out of the world I imagined I was in and into a world I created by choice. This world is not made of tides that push me away but by the waves I created to push me forward. This world is made of a sky that I can fly in and a ground that keeps me standing. There are trees that hide me from the brillant lies and flowers that influence me to smell the truth. The truth is, I can only see what I allow myself to see and I am learning how to deflect what I do not need. I have wisdom that can make you fly with me but I do not hold the power to create your wings. The truth is, we can only have control of ourselves. My greatest wish is that you may find your wings and witness a world that is worthy of trust.
When ever I am down and I take a lonely, silent step outside I feel relieved. I feel secret answers to all my problems or maybe my problems seem to no longer matter. Either way, its as if all is alright, atleast by my account. I want to do right by this world. The beauty it posseses is one that deserves acknowledgement. A sense of duty is the blood running through my viens. If I do not do my best to be true to myself, than how can I expect to believe that there are parts of the world that are true as well?