Desperate for forgiveness
without clarity of mind.
There is what you wish to get
and what you will actually find.
I am not trying to erase time
but I’d like to forget mine…
When one does not know them self
how can they act accordingly?
I miss you dearly
or atleast the person I thought you use to be.
When you learn who you are
maybe I can meet you.
But this person infront of me,
will not do.
It still shocks me to realize how unique I am. What comes so easily to me, seems impossible for others. What appears rare, atleast in my general perspective, is a natural goodness. I watch strangers, family, close-ones make the most simple and uncompassionate mistakes. Mistakes that would seem impossible in my mind. That natural easiness makes me queazy. When I look back at my past, a bunch of faces appear, mostly of people I never got to know but people that used those simple actions to bring happiness into the world instead. I have always viewed those glimpses of personality as my rolemodel. I value the soul of a good person. Anytime I meet one, I pay close attention so that I can learn something new.
Show me how good is done.
I came to a realization today on what freedom really is. I use to think freedom was just physical, that it meant to be able to have complete control of what you could physically do in the world. I believe the best freedom lies within ourselves. To be beyond the point of personal acceptance and approval of which becomes second nature and to explore ideas outside of all worry.
I feel sadness due to the lack of self-awareness and preservation. So many of us have given up hope of discovering who we truly are because all they know is what they have witnessed. I have learned to look deeper than what my eyes see. The asking of questions is the start of new knowledge and new questions. I have seen many people claim their self-awareness based on the actions they made due to a small range of predetermined outcomes. Most people would say that they can only make a decision using the knowledge they possess. I say that we must make decisions based on the knowledge we posses and the knowledge that we do not. They world has on many occasions proved that there is always more than what meets the eye, so how can we not prepare for the unknown; how can we not bring into consideration what possibilities lie within the unknown? Obviously these possibilities are infinite, because wouldn’t that mean that everything is possible? If we make decisions based on only what knowledge we are certain exists, then we are leaving out so much more to consider and in most situations that would deem are actions ignorant and incomplete. Though these actions may seem as truth when made, they are based on the belief that the decision was made with complete consideration and is therefore a lie by mistake. It is a lie that no one seems aware of and a lie that others will move forward with then creating only more lies. How do we predict what is unknown? You ask questions. You look for deeper meanings even when it seems that you are at the bottom. With more answered questions, you will possess more knowledge. And as the unknown is infinite then questions are infinite and knowledge is infinite and we can only grow. There is no stopping point. With more knowledge, our actions can become more honest and we can become more real. Never accept only what is given to you, accept what else you can find but remember that you can only find what is searched for. The great thing about searching for something that is not specific is that you will open your eyes to see so much more.
What’s worse than people judging others on only what they see or only what is presented to them is when an individual only judges themselves that way. On a daily basis I am aware of those around me that choose not to look deeper than what is obvious. They create their own reality and share it. It’s easier to accept what is known than what is unknown. By accepting the unknown, we are accepting to figure out what the unknown is and that requires strength and promise, which a lot of people think is a waste of time. When in actuality, it is the only wise use of time. We cannot assume to understand the world before we understand ourselves. Everything we know starts from within. We must start from within. We have to ask the questions as to why we do what we do, from the littlest action to the biggest. We cannot just accept that we are mean, loving, controlling. We cannot accept titles because titles are just the boundary set up between true meaning and the false. A person can call you mean because you called someone a fat pig and by definition they would be right but by a deeper meaning they would be wrong. If that person had asked why you would be mean, they could come to find that you use to be called fat pig and when you became beautiful on the outside you also became egotistical only because you felt that not only did you have to look the part but you had to play the part. By asking that question and searching for the answer they could find that you were not mean but instead scared of being called a fat big and scared of not being liked. There is always a deeper meaning. So before you start searching for what this world is or what your purpose is, first you must learn to understand your actions and your feelings and you can only do this by asking deeper questions and not just accept what seems obvious.
I believe that if everyone knew who they truly were than the world would be a better place.
As an individual, you have to learn how to ask questions about yourself. You can not rely on one word to explain your actions. When a person does something mean their reasoning can not just be because they are mean. In order to understand yourself, you have to ask, “Why am I mean?”. But the questions shouldn’t stop there either. If you discover that your reactions are similar to your parents, you might think you are mean simply because your parents are mean. But now you must ask, “Why am I mimicking someone else’s actions?”. And so on so forth until you have no more questions on the matter. I use to think I was weird because I would never talk to people or because at night I would lie in bed talking to myself for hours. By asking questions, I discovered that the reason for my knowledge of life is because of how much I think. My hobby is thought. I’m never satisfied with simple answers, I always have to dig deeper. I believe I know myself and understand myself for that reason. If you are having trouble discovering who you are, spend more time just thinking and asking questions.
My heart was broken at very young age and not by a boy but by my family. I was betrayed and I was ignored and I was not important enough to be helped even when I begged for it and I was loved all at the same time. It took me a long time to grasp that someone who loves me could hurt me so bad. This heartbreak taught me that I have my own choices and that I can choose my own type of love without mimicking the kind I was taught. I also learned that I have the choice to accept the type of love I want and not to accept the kind I don’t. I will always love my family and I can’t deny that even though for a long time I tried. I wanted to hate them and I even tried to blame them for that but first I blamed myself. When I thought that they didn’t love me, I believed it was my fault, that I must of not been loveable. After all the pain, I came to understand that this past of mine is what makes me the amazing person I am and that what past is theirs is the force behind their actions. Just as I did not want to be judged, I could not judge them. I have been insulted for my lack of being in their lives and that hurts. I have forgiven them but I can’t trust them and trust isn’t something I can just pull out of my pocket and give away. One day I hope they will find it in their hearts and minds to accept their mistakes and learn from them. One day I hope they will came to me and prove their worthiness of trust. But that day hasnt come and for ten years I waited for it, even tried to push for it on numerous occasions. But just as I have learned to make my own of who I am, they must do that too and I can not do it for them. I just ask for those that judge situations they do not understand to let me be because the decisions I have made are what is best for me.
A lot of people understand that knowledge is good. That learning new things are good. Yet, I rarely see people searching for the right kind of knowledge. Some knowledge is heart breaking, some knowledge is a faster way of gaining success in a hobby or career, some knowledge is eye-opening and shocking and some knowledge helps people grow as individuals. Society as taught us one major thing: You are a niave child; you spend your child hood preparing for the adulthood; when you are an adult, you get married and then you have children; you retire and you watch you children have children. It’s tiring the way society trys to make us believe that the only way you do all of this and be happy is if you work and pay the bills, and whatever extra money you posses is used to pay for needless entertainment to distract us from the fact that it actually isnt the only way for us to be happy and that being happy doesnt actually require the standard guidlines of this human time-line. We don’t need children to be happy and we don’t need spouses. We don’t need money or glamorous job titles. We don’t need education or the whole worlds acceptance. The most important knowledge a person can posses is the knowledge of one’s selfawarness and of love. We should be spending our time learning who we are and how to love someone else for who they are.
What do you feel when you hear the word mistake? What pictures form in your head? The norm seems to have a negative reaction. It is easy to believe the mistakes are bad and I really disagree. Mistakes are inevitable. In order to get to a point where you never make mistakes, you would have to understand everything, know everything, be the wealthiest person of knowledge. And unless that happens to be you, I know there is only way one to get to a point of abosulte wisdom. Mistakes are the roots of new knowledge. By my understanding, new knowledge is always welcome and a positive outcome. So then how can mistakes be bad?
There is a hate inside me for humanity and a love for its incredibility. The hate stems from the easy neglect of relatability. We have created a society where individuals strive to gain power by the destruction of others. It seems so easy for people to forget that we all are equally important and that one life’s happiness will never compare to everyone’s happiness. Can you imagine a world where everyone worked together? A place where each person could sit down with anyone and have an enlightened conversation and feel understood and accepted. When people come together, great ideas and knowledge combine to create an even greater revelation. Imagine if every human shared their deepest thoughts, what consensus would we find?
When I look in the mirror I am tempted to see a young woman that has not stuck by her morals because of fear or to see a person that I expect I should become. I am not defined by my past and I am not defined by my expectations of the future. It takes a lot of thought to be able to stand in the present and grasp that the present is the only time that exists.