Deserve Forgiveness

Desperate for forgiveness

without clarity of mind.

There is what you wish to get

and what you will actually find.

I am not trying to erase time

but I’d like to forget mine…

…atleast sometimes.

When one does not know them self

how can they act accordingly?

I miss you dearly

or atleast the person I thought you use to be.

When you learn who you are 

maybe I can meet you.

But this person infront of me,

unfortunately,

will not do. 

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Scars

“Le moribond” by indiae on fuelyourphotography.com


                                          I see stars when I look up at the night sky                                            

And I see scars when I look into your eyes 

Im just hoping one day you will learn to know 

Scars are what make us grow


I see blue sky when I look up in the day time

You can’t deny the people’s heartless crime

Im just searching for recognition:

We have more than just destruction.

Freedom In Thy Self

 
I came to a realization today on what freedom really is. I use to think freedom was just physical, that it meant to be able to have complete control of what you could physically do in the world. I believe the best freedom lies within ourselves. To be beyond the point of personal acceptance and approval of which becomes second nature and to explore ideas outside of all worry. 

Questions

As an individual, you have to learn how to ask questions about yourself. You can not rely on one word to explain your actions. When a person does something mean their reasoning can not just be because they are mean. In order to understand yourself, you have to ask, “Why am I mean?”. But the questions shouldn’t stop there either. If you discover that your reactions are similar to your parents, you might think you are mean simply because your parents are mean. But now you must ask, “Why am I mimicking someone else’s actions?”. And so on so forth until you have no more questions on the matter. I use to think I was weird because I would never talk to people or because at night I would lie in bed talking to myself for hours. By asking questions, I discovered that the reason for my knowledge of life is because of how much I think. My hobby is thought. I’m never satisfied with simple answers, I always have to dig deeper. I believe I know myself and understand myself for that reason. If you are having trouble discovering who you are, spend more time just thinking and asking questions. 

Love and I

My heart was broken at very young age and not by a boy but by my family. I was betrayed and I was ignored and I was not important enough to be helped even when I begged for it and I was loved all at the same time. It took me a long time to grasp that someone who loves me could hurt me so bad. This heartbreak taught me that I have my own choices and that I can choose my own type of love without mimicking the kind I was taught. I also learned that I have the choice to accept the type of love I want and not to accept the kind I don’t. I will always love my family and I can’t deny that even though for a long time I tried. I wanted to hate them and I even tried to blame them for that but first I blamed myself. When I thought that they didn’t love me, I believed it was my fault, that I must of not been loveable. After all the pain, I came to understand that this past of mine is what makes me the amazing person I am and that what past is theirs is the force behind their actions. Just as I did not want to be judged, I could not judge them. I have been insulted for my lack of being in their lives and that hurts. I have forgiven them but I can’t trust them and trust isn’t something I can just pull out of my pocket and give away. One day I hope they will find it in their hearts and minds to accept their mistakes and learn from them. One day I hope they will came to me and prove their worthiness of trust. But that day hasnt come and for ten years I waited for it, even tried to push for it on numerous occasions. But just as I have learned to make my own of who I am, they must do that too and I can not do it for them. I just ask for those that judge situations they do not understand to let me be because the decisions I have made are what is best for me. 

Knowledge

A lot of people understand that knowledge is good. That learning new things are good. Yet, I rarely see people searching for the right kind of knowledge. Some knowledge is heart breaking, some knowledge is a faster way of gaining success in a hobby or career, some knowledge is eye-opening and shocking and some knowledge helps people grow as individuals. Society as taught us one major thing: You are a niave child; you spend your child hood preparing for the adulthood; when you are an adult, you get married and then you have children; you retire and you watch you children have children. It’s tiring the way society trys to make us believe that the only way you do all of this and be happy is if you work and pay the bills, and whatever extra money you posses is used to pay for needless entertainment to distract us from the fact that it actually isnt the only way for us to be happy and that being happy doesnt actually require the standard guidlines of this human time-line. We don’t need children to be happy and we don’t need spouses. We don’t need money or glamorous job titles. We don’t need education or the whole worlds acceptance. The most important knowledge a person can posses is the knowledge of one’s selfawarness and of love. We should be spending our time learning who we are and how to love someone else for who they are. 

Mistakes

What do you feel when you hear the word mistake? What pictures form in your head? The norm seems to have a negative reaction. It is easy to believe the mistakes are bad and I really disagree. Mistakes are inevitable. In order to get to a point where you never make mistakes, you would have to understand everything, know everything, be the wealthiest person of knowledge. And unless that happens to be you, I know there is only way one to get to a point of abosulte wisdom. Mistakes are the roots of new knowledge. By my understanding, new knowledge is always welcome and a positive outcome. So then how can mistakes be bad?